Take My Breathe Away

Stroking, touching, gently feeling,
Your fingers gliding over my skin,
So vulnerable
So trusting
Allowing you acces to this part of me.

You could do so much damage
You could bring so much pain,
But I trust you
I know that you will take me to the edge,
But not push me over.

Squeezing, pinching, cutting off my air
The catch of my breath
As by brain flits from panic to pleasure
The thrill through my body
As your hand gently tightens around my neck.

Control

Control is such a strange issue for me.
Normally I am the one in control
Of every aspect of my life.

But the one thing I crave
Above everything else
Is to have someone take it away.

To have someone take control of me
This is what I desire
Over everything else.

Trapped

Sitting here on a a day like today
Makes me want to rattle the bars of this cage.
To be kept in the office
Out of the cold brittle sun,
Makes me want to cry out loud.

I want to break out of this place,
Go walking in the sun.
To see my breath misting the air
The wind blowing around me.

I need to feel the pulse of the earth
As the season changes to winter.

But instead I sit at my desk
Staring out the window,
Wishing I were free.

Falling

Falling,
Screaming,
Crying,
Sobbing,
Into the abyss I fall.

Falling,
Screaming,
Crying,
Sobbing,
Where did all the light go?

Falling,
Screaming,
Crying,
Sobbing,
I want to turn the clock back.
For all this to be a hideous nightmare,
And to see her when I wake up!

Friends

Who would I be?
What would I do?
How would I survive?
Without the support of my friends!

Sweet Voices

I thought these voices had gone,
Purged from my soul for good.
But now they are resurfacing
Worming into my mind.

I try so hard to resist them
but their whispers are so sweet.
They offer me relief from these stresses
and they make it sound so simple.

I wish I could cry and scream and lash out
But I can't
So the voices start again.....

The Way You Make Me Feel

The way you make me feel when we are together
Is something I am still getting used to.

You are the first person who I has made me feel like this.
When we are together I feel complete and at peace.
No need to talk, the silence is comfortable.
Or we can talk into the small hours of the morning.

I love the way you feel in my arms
And the way I feel when you take me in yours,
I feel so safe and cared for.

I know that I am yours,
Yet I am free to do whatever I want.
The feeling of freedom I have with you
Is a new sensation in my life.

Never before have I felt like this,
My partners have always restricted me.
But with you I am simply me!

Sensations

Sensation washes over me
I am unable to control it
But I love every minute of what you do to me.

I know that you are still learning to accept the way I am
The contradictions that are within me
The clashing of my past treatment
And what I enjoy in the present.

But you are so willing to learn
And to help me test me limits.

I know that it has been hard for you
To take on this role in my life.
That it goes against your morals
But it is a test of your limits as much as it is a test of mine.

I am grateful that you are willing to do this.
To push the boundaries of our experience,
To cause all these sensations within me
And to accept me as I am.

I hope to return the favour,
To take you to the same heights of pleasure
And maybe to test your limits too.

I look forward to our time together,
However long it may last
And I will cherish the marks you leave on me
Both mental and physical.

Pushing Me

It starts off so slowly
That I do not notice it.
The build up is part of the pleasure
Of the tests you put me through.

I know what I will suffer
But it will be worth the sensations I get in the end.

Your fingers trace their way across my skin,
Slowly and softly at first
Caressing and tickling me.
The softest of sensations.

You gradually start to get harsher with me,
Pinching and twisting my flesh
Making me feel so much.

The jolts run through my body,
And give me so much pleasure.

The harsher you are the more I feel.

As you push me I struggle against the feelings coursing through me
Against you, but you will not let me go
You hold me down and push me further.
At the time all I want is for it to end

But I know that you will carry on
Pushing me, testing me
To the limits of my endurance.

Only when I break down and beg will you stop.
But I know that when it is over I will be grateful
I will have the marks on my body
To show what I have been through
And I will wear them with pride.

Willpower

The thought of what I want to do is running though my mind
But I know I must not succumb.

I have tried so hard to wean myself off this habit
As I know that it does me no good.

But the urge is still there
As strong as it always was.

The only reason I am able to fight it
Is the fact that too many people already know my secret
And they watch out for the signs.

I know that if I give in to my urges
I will disappoint them all.

I still bear the scars from the last time I succumbed to the temptation
And they watch out for new markings.

I do not want to be an object of pity any longer
I have had enough of that in my life.

I refuse to submit to these feelings and thoughts
That I must injury myself for relief from the way I am feeling.

It strains my willpower to keep up this resistance
But I know that I must do so.

How Do I Ask

How can I ask you to be what I want?
You are still new to all these things
And I am still learning my limits.

I do not know if you would be willing
To take on this role in my life
Or if I would be able to accept you in that role?

But I know that I want to try.
The thought had been preying on my mind for a while
Of how to ask you this.

But I am still not closer to a solution than the first day I had the thought.
You have seen some websites on the subject
And I know that you have read them
But I do not know if you are interested in it.

How can I ask you to be my master?
When I do not know if I would be a good enough slave.

I am sure that one day
I will find the solution to this problem I am having
And I will ask you.

But if I ask
What will you say?

Emotional Overload

Why do I have these feelings?
They run through my mind
And I try to pay them no heed.

But slowly they insinuate themselves into my mind.
They make me question the way I am
What I am thinking and feeling
The decisions I make and the actions I take.

I hate that I feel this way
But I cannot gain control over these emotions.
It takes all of my control not to do as they say.

The whispers in my mind to do the things they say.
To harm myself in so many ways
And to distance myself from those around me
The people who care about me.

I thought that I was past all of this
Now that my life is so much better than it was
I thought that these emotions would plague me no more.

What Right Do You Have

What right do you have?
To talk to me like that
To treat me like the lowest of the low
Simply for telling you the truth

What right do you have?
To behave in this way
To think that you are better than anyone else
Simply because you have taken on a new role

Wake up my dear
And smell the coffee
We have all taken on new roles
But we deal with them in our own way.

You whinge and moan
Saying you don’t get what you want
But if you want something then you have to go and ask
Life won’t hand it to you on a silver platter.

I didn’t expect this to happen
For things to go so fast.

I thought I wasn’t ready
To do this all over again.

But you worked your way into my mind
You made me feel again.

Where I had thought I was happy alone
I found myself thinking of you.

So now we are together
And I’m loving every minute.

The time I spend with you
Makes me smile deep in my soul.

Not Normal

I didn’t think that this would be possible
To be so comfortable with another man
In so short a time

Normally I would be shy and quiet
And would shy away from physical contact of any kind.
But with you I am able to relax
And be myself.

I have opened up to you
Told you about my past
I have let you into my secrets
Given you my trust.

Usually I am reluctant to take people into my trust
As I have been let down too often before.
But I feel you will not let me down
That you will keep my secrets with you.

I am still a bit nervous
But then I am still getting used to you being in my life.

Yet I cannot imagine you not being here
Being part of the day-to-day fabric of who I am.

Fear and Loathing

Why do I do this to myself?
Each time it happens I know that it is wrong
But still I do it.

First I get the self-loathing
Then I feel the need come over me
To hurt myself this way.

I know that it is wrong
But I do not care
Because of the way it makes me feel.

The relief is so immense
That I feel better
The instance the first cut is made

As the blood wells to the surface
I feel relief and disgust mixed
But I have to do it again
Until the urge recedes and I am calm within.

Condition

His fingers thread their way through my hair
It could be the gentlest of touches
But I know what will happen

His fingers will caress my scalp
Until he sees fit
To grasp my hair in his fist

He will use the grip to pull my face to his
To whisper in my ear
All the things he wants to do to me
And the things he will make me do

I am ashamed that this can happen
To a woman in this day and age
To be controlled by a single man
To answer to his every whim and demand

But I know that whatever I do to escape
My condition will always remain the same

A slave to desire
The desire of others to control
And my own deep-rooted desire to serve.

No More

Once I knew you belonged to me
But now that is no longer the way.

Your heart belongs to another,
To someone outside our circle.

I know that you love her,
You told me that yourself.

It broke my heart to hear you say it
To admit you were no longer mine.

But you will always have a place in heart
No matter what happens between us.

You were my first real love
And I cherish the memories,
Of the good times we had together.

My only regret is the way that it ended.

I hurt you in so many ways,
I wish I could reverse the hurt that I caused
To heal the wounds in your heart.

But now you have chosen another
So I leave that job to her.
To help you and guide you in healing your heart.

It Makes Me Sad

It makes me sad,
To see the way you reject your feelings,
Your thoughts and emotions.

Just because you think they are wrong.
I may be gone,
But I am still here
Whenever you need me.

I’m here for you
As a friend to laugh with,
As a shoulder to cry and rage on,
As a lover if the mood takes you.

But you think that is too much
You think that you must distance yourself
That we must be nothing but friends.

But I’m afraid that is something I can’t do
We have shared too much
Explored each other’s minds and souls.
I know you so well
That we will always be more.

On the outside we can act as friends
And who knows in many years to come that may be all we are.
But right now we are still tied by our emotions
I still love you more than I should.

But I know I made the choice
To end our time together.
I know was the right choice
But still I feel for you.

I know that I will survive and carry on my life.
Maybe take another lover to be with me in this world.
But you my dear I care for in so many ways
I cannot leave you out my life.

You still feel for me but think that you shouldn’t
You punish yourself with your thoughts
Telling yourself that you are wrong
To still have any feelings for me.

But whatever you decide
I will be here to support you.

Whatever our eventual relationship is
I leave the decision to you
You know my stance
You know my feelings
On this situation.

Three

I think we may be
The oddest set of friends
There could possibly be.

First there is me,
Then there’s my ex
And completing our trio, his wife.

Three different people,
With three different lives
All bound together.

People have tried to pull us part
But we only get stronger.
Because we rely on ourselves
And on each other
Not on the external pressure.

They all act so shocked
That we could be friends.
What would they say if they ever found out
The true nature of our relationship..

Things Said

No turning back
No regrets

This thing I have done
Is to be final

It’s taken a long time
To work up the courage
To say the things I did

But now they are said
I can’t take them back
And wouldn’t if I knew how to

It’s taken too long
For me to finally see
The damage this person has caused me

Now that I know
What he does to me
I won’t go back into that prison

I’m as free as a bird
And proud to proclaim
‘I’,m free, I’m me, my very own person!’

Purer State of Mind

There is no purer state of mind
Than that which I exist in
My thoughts and feelings are as one.
No inner confilict remains
I am at peace within myself.
As only a slave can be.

Misery

Body and soul entwine as one,
They wrap around the misery I feel.

Did I create it
Or was it created for me
I can no longer remember.

I sit and stare
As I try to remember
How this all started
And figure out how I can end it.

Suppression

Pushing down
Casting aside
Supressing who I am.

I try to forget
The person I was
And all the things I did.

I don’t go out
I just go to work
And home when I am finished.

I supress who I am
I forget all my friends
And all for just one man.

False Feelings

I know that what I am feeling is wrong
The emotions I am feeling are false
I shouldn’t want to do this to myself.

I feel as though I am enormous
And everything I eat feels like a betrayal to myself
Every mouthful makes me feel ill.

But I know that I don’t eat enough
To sustain a normal person.
But still I feel this way
Every time I eat.

After each meal the struggle begins.
To keep the food down
Not to rush off and purge it from my body
To relieve the feelings inside.

Sometimes I win
Sometimes I lose
But the struggle goes on everyday.

Rage

I can see it building deep inside.
Each time I speak
Each time I move
It gets worse.

I don’t know what I’ve done
Or even if it’s my fault.
But it makes no difference
The rage continues to rise.

No matter the original reason
I know I will be the cure.

When it reaches its peak
He will find an excuse
To vent his rage on me.

He’ll start by screaming and shouting
And then he’ll get physical
A push, a shove and a grip I can’t get out of
That is how it will start.

But not how it will end.
The grip starts to bruise me
And when released his hands will become fists.

I’m lucky if I stay conscious
And end up with just bruises.

But sometimes I pray for the darkness to come
To overwhelm me before he does.

I scream until my throat is raw
Until my voice is gone
But his ears are deaf to me
So I have learnt it is best to stay silent.

Eventually his rage disappears
And he will leave me alone.

He will give me time to recover,
For my bruises and wounds to heal
Before he starts again.

Possession

His hand lands on my shoulder,
Should I feel safe or should I be scared?
I can’t see his face to gauge his mood.

He turns me around and cups me face,
He kisses me and tells me that he loves me.
I feel safe and secure.

Then his hands start to roam over my body,
He touches me wherever he wants,
No thought to my feelings or whether I want this.

I know that if I refuse it will be worse
That if I say nothing and let him do as he wishes.
It will be over as soon as he has had his fill.

If I refuse he may just cuff me,
Or he may fly into a rage and do much worse.
I still bear the marks from his last rage
I need time to recover before it happens again.

So I stay silent and let him have his way.

Plaything

He watches me constantly
Every move I make
Every person I talk to
Everything I do

Sometime I wish I could just one little thing
Without him noticing it
Without comment or question
Just doing what I want

But that will never happen
Because of who I am
I am his partner, his possession
A plaything to torment.

Broken

Tall and brooding he stands over me
To impose his will onto me
Is his one and only purpose.

Whether I am willing or not he will have his way with me.
However much I protest, my wishes will not be heard
He will take me however and wherever he wants to.

If I resist then I will be put in my place
By force and by fist, my will will be broken.
The more I resist the worse it will be.

So each time it happens I submit that much quicker
As much as I hate it, I know what will come
The fact that I can know this saddens me.

But I am too weak to get out of this situation
My spirit is broken, my body is raw.

Power

Power,
Everyone wants it,
People go mad from it.

Why do we crave it?

Is it for the rush we get
When someone does as we say?

Or is it the respect we get
When someone realises who we are?

Could it be the feeling we get inside
When we get something done for the good of other?

Submission

To submit my will to that of another
Is a pleasure unrivalled by anything else I know.

To give up control
To be told what to do
What not to do
Gives me a pleasure deep inside.

By day I’m in control of everything I do, an independent woman
By night I am a willing slave, a meek and mild mouse.

My every move controlled
Their every command I must obey,
Every request, no matter how big or small
I must carry out.

Without complain or query I carry out my role
In this pleasurable place I dwell.

People may not understand
Why to take on this role
But they will never know the pleasure
Until they submit themselves as well.

No Will

He comes to me
Not when I ask him
But when he wants to.

I have no say
No will of my own
But I don’t mind
This state I exist in
When he is with me

Ecstasy and despair
Entwine around my soul
He takes me to such heights
And guides me through my lows

Bound by my thoughts,
My feelings, my despair.
I simply exist.